Most love isn’t about love. It is about winning. And winning is all about ego.
As a Buddhist one of the issues I work on constantly is seeing outside of my ego which in effect destroys it. The beginning, in fact the whole of enlightenment is an egoless state. To realize emptiness (in the Buddhist sense) is to be without ego.
Yet so many people invest their ego in loving. It becomes all about their happiness, not the happiness of the one they love. To love without ego is pure and does not mean you are a doormat. It means that you see outside relative truth (which is everyday truth) to absolute truth (essentially – what is – is.).
Many clients write to me and ask me: How do I know my love is pure?
It is an interesting question and one that can have many answers. One answer may be that if you have to ask the question, then your love is probably not pure – however that is a little flippant for my taste. To know yourself is to understand the love you feel for another and to realize the purity of this love is a deep transformative process.
There are some questions you can ask yourself to see the purity and egolessness of your feelings. Don’t be alarmed if you find the answers are not to your liking. Just remember this is a process. No one begins self-exploration as all-knowing.
1. Ask yourself about the happiness of the one you love. Is their happiness more important than yours? What if that happiness does not include you in their life? Would you still have feelings of love for them?
2. If the one you love told you that they did not love you at all – would you still feel the same way?
3. Ask yourself what needs this person fills in your life. The fewer the needs filled the more genuine the love. Love without attachments is the most pure love there is.
4. Imagine your life without this person in it – would you be able to find happiness in some form again? A pure love, once again does not have attachments. If you feel your life would end when theirs did that does not actually mean that you feel so deeply for them, just that you have attached unrealistic value to them.
That said, I wonder what love is but unrealistic value of a person!
5. There is a clear line between real love and obsession.
Ask yourself if you are happy. When you wake up, are you glad to be alive? Is your life on a positive track? Do you have hope for the future? Do you have dreams and work toward them all the time?
6. Are you in this relationship alone? If you are you need to ask yourself why this is and how much this matters to you. Does it matter to you that none of your dreams and hopes may ever come to fruition or are you comfortable with that, having no expectations?
In the end no one can tell you if you are in love or not. Or if your love is pure or infatuation or obsession. This is for you to seek and to know.
When you do know; you will know yourself better than you ever have before.